God Grant Me The Serenity
by melodygrants
Summary: When the doctors of Grey-Sloan Memorial discover that Amelia has relapsed after Derek's death, they stage an intervention. But the only person who can save her is the one she's spent the past year pushing away.


_On the day Amelia Shepherd turned four years old, her big brother Derek gave her a stuffed animal unicorn for her birthday. It had soft white fur with a light pink mane and a sparkly horn, and the minute Amelia saw it she knew she would never love anything more in the world. It was the perfect present for a four year old Amelia, and she didn't know which she should hug tighter: the unicorn or her brother. So she chose both, at the same time, and she could tell how much he loved her by how tight he held her back. Amelia could barely breathe- after all, older brothers could hug pretty hard- but she didn't care. She was happy- no, elated even, and nothing could ever take that away. She had an awesome big brother and a super soft unicorn and life was beautiful. She was happy. She was so happy._

This was the memory Amelia held onto as she tried to tune out the voices around her. The ones saying she needed help, that she was killing herself, that her life was falling apart. She knew this already. She'd known this ever since she had swallowed that first pill of oxy the night after Owen had confronted her. She had almost told him. That was the ironic part of all of this. If she had just told one person how much she needed help, she wouldn't have all these people telling her how much she needed it. If she'd given the freaking pills to Owen, they wouldn't have been able to take over her life again. Again. For the third time.

" _They chopped down that old tree."_

" _Yeah."_

 _She held the oxy in her pocket with a grip like a vice, trying as hard as she could to hold her hand still. She could tell him, right now. She could pull out that baggie and throw it across the deck and tell him that this is what happens when he leaves. That he was right, she's a mess, she's a plane crash. She could spill the proof all over the ground with one flick of her wrist, but she was in too deep now. And besides, he wouldn't care. She was alone. She had no one. If she had learned anything over the course of this year, it was that she was alone. Phone calls only did so much._

 _And so she let him walk away in his military uniform, so blissfully unaware of the hurricane touching down 10 feet away. 20, 30, 40, 50 feet away. And then he was in his trailer, and Amelia opened the Pandora's box in her pocket let herself swallow a pill, and with it 1,321 days of sobriety._

Here she was again, surrounded by faces full of fake concern and false sincerity, and she felt sick. These people didn't know her. What the hell were they doing here? She'd spoken to April Kepner what, twice? And to Jackson Avery even less. And Alex Karev? What a joke. They didn't care about her. They didn't know her. Amelia thought about Meredith- the one who probably organized this damn thing- forcing all these virtual strangers to come host an intervention for the screwed-up Dr. Shepherd who was now the only Dr. Shepherd. Lucky them. She hadn't even been able to meet Meredith's eyes, and she looked around frantically for some sort of distraction the minute she walked into the board room and saw them all there. But of course the first thing she saw was Owen, and he looked so sad, so broken. He would have cared- she realized this now- but it was too late. It was too much.

"Wowwww. Wow." She said, throwing her hands up in the air in fake defeat. "This is not my first rodeo, but damn. Things have really downgraded since my last intervention." When attacked, defend by insulting. "Jo Wilson, really? I'm surprised to see you here, considering you probably learned my name, like, yesterday. Did your little boyfriend drag you here? Just like he dragged you into a relationship that consists of different women living in your house and sometimes sleeping in your bed as a bonus? Tragic. Word of advice- don't let him keep ya so whipped." She put her hand up to her mouth in a whisper gesture and fake whispered, loud enough for everyone to hear: "Cause he's kind of a tool." Amelia smirked, satisfied at the Jo's startled face and the way Alex's jaw was clenched. Meredith leaned over and whispered something to him, and she decided to take that opportunity to prey on her next victim. Just as she'd done in LA.

"Arizona Robbins. Where do I begin. You're almost as screwed up as I am, so I'm surprised you had the audacity to show your perky little face around here. But that's it- isn't it? You're worse than me. Cause at least everyone here knows how screwed up I am. I don't hide it behind little flips of blonde hair and a perky little smile and an 'oh, I save babies, I'm wonderful!' attitude. News flash Robbins- you're just as screwed up as me. You lost a leg, and your wife left you, and- God, do you even have an apartment? Shit. You're worse than me. I pity you, Arizona. Maybe you should fix your own life before telling me how to fix mine." At this point Arizona looked near tears, and Amelia felt a rush. She threw her arms out and spun around, the high of the oxy she'd taken this morning hitting her all at once. "Who's next? I could go all day."

"Amelia." Meredith's voice was sharp. "Listen. We're all here because we care about you. Because we-"

"Oh." Amelia laughed, more like a bark. A sharp laugh that cut through the room like a knife. "That's rich, Meredith. Half the people in this room have no idea who I am. April Kepner lost a baby, so it seems a little mean to drag her here. Traumatic and whatever. We should probably set her and Jackson aside for some marriage counseling, cause they keep avoiding each other's eyes so obviously they have bigger problems than my alleged drug use. We already addressed Arizona, and the rest of you probably care even less. I'm sure Meredith only organized this freak show out of some sort of weird obligation to my dead brother, which says it all, doesn't it?"

She slowly surveyed the room. Not one person would make eye contact with her. Well, there was one, but she refused to look at him.

"You know, it seemed a little more sincere in LA. At least those people cared about me, or did a pretty good job pretending to. A word of advice for next time: put in a little more effort into faking some emotional attachment to the person you're..." she struggled to find the right word, her anger and panic becoming too much. "...Intervening upon."

"Amelia." Meredith sounded exasperated, or maybe just tired. She took a deep breath, but it was shaky and she couldn't continue. Webber put his hand on Meredith's shoulder and looked at Amelia, very obviously preparing to take his turn.

"Oh, look who's next. Gonna quote the big book at me, Richard? I'm ready for this one."

Amelia was defensive, of course, but she knew this one would hurt. Webber had been her AA buddy and she knew this was hurting him more than he was letting on.

"Amelia. I've watched you come so far. You were sober when you came here, but you were still unsure. I could tell that you were worried about the move here, the new start. But I watched you grow into a strong young woman, an inspiring woman who had three years of sobriety safely under her belt. But I need you to remember, Amelia. Relapses are not a death sentence. You can beat this. You've done it before, you can do it again. I admire your strength, and I am confident you can regain that strength and climb out of this hole you've dug. I have every faith in you, and I'll be here for you every step of the way."

Amelia was trying her hardest not to cry at this point. She bit her thumb and blinked hard. Webber was the closest thing she had to a father, and it hurt her to feel like she was letting him down. For the first time during this entire shitshow, she actually considered going. He was right, she knew he was. But she also knew that giving up oxy meant it would hurt. Everywhere. Because if she missed Derek this much while high, she knew the nightmare of missing him while sober would be too much to bear. Instinctively, she reached into her pocket and pulled out a little white pill.

"What the hell is that?" April's voice was outraged. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Oxy." Amelia responded, stone faced. "Want it? You should try some." She held the pill out to April, who looked at Jackson in horror. Bailey whispered something to Webber, then glanced at the door, and Amelia felt more defensive than ever. What the hell were they even talking about that they couldn't say to her face? What a mess she was, probably. All at once, the panic hit her. She needed to leave. To get away from this place and these people and their terrified faces.

Hurricane Amelia had done enough destruction for one day.

"So, this has been fun." Amelia spit out, dripping with sarcasm. "But, I have surgeries."

"I'm suspending you." Owen replied immediately, daring to look at Amelia. "Effective immediately."

Shit. That one hurt. "Thank you, Chief Hunt. Well, in that case, I have some oxy to do. So I'm going home. Have fun discussing my downward spiral, kids. See ya later."

She turned towards the door, trying to hide her shaking hands. She felt a hand on her shoulder, and heard Meredith's voice: "Amy- don't..."

Amelia could tell that the minute Meredith had said it she regretted it. It had slipped out, she never called her Amy anyway. But it had happened. Amelia flinched away from her as if burned, and she couldn't decide if she wanted to scream or cry or attack Meredith until she felt something half as close to the intense, horrific pain that Amelia felt when she'd been called "Amy" by someone other than her brother.

Her big brother.

Her big brother who had given her a unicorn and made her so happy.

Her big brother who was dead.

"No. No. Screw you. How dare you call me Amy. NOBODY CALLS ME AMY! I AM NOT AMY ANYMORE, ONLY DEREK CALLED ME THAT AND HE IS DEAD! MY ONLY BROTHER IS DEAD, HE DIED, HE LEFT ME AND I AM ALONE AND HE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD CALL ME AMY YOU STUPID HORRIBLE AWFUL BITCH HOW DARE YOU CALL ME AMY HOW DARE YOU-" Her voice was raspy, no wonder. She was screaming at the top of her lungs, trying to convey just how much pain was inside of her. She wanted Meredith to know. She wanted Meredith to fall. Because she hadn't felt for a year, and now it was all coming back and it wasn't fair that Meredith got to stand tall while Amelia fell down the rabbit hole.

"Amelia. Amelia, I'm here. I'm here. Shhhh. I'm here."

Amelia felt a pair of arms around her that she hadn't felt since she left LA. She hadn't even noticed anyone enter the room, but without even turning around she knew who it was. The person she knew she needed most, though she would never have admitted it.

"Addie?" she whispered, almost unable to believe that someone could love her enough to come all the way from LA, to get on a plane, to leave a husband and a child, for her. That someone cared. That someone else could feel what she felt. That someone could love her the way she needed to be loved. "Addie. Derek died. He died. He's gone, Addie. And I screwed up. I fell again, but this time you weren't there to catch me. No one was. I miss him, Addie. I miss him so much."

"Shhh, shhh, I know, it's okay. It's okay, Amelia. I'm here now. I've got you. I've got you."

It had been over a year since Amelia had been given a real hug. The last one was from Derek, before he had left to tell the president he was resigning. It was the last time she'd allowed herself to be hugged so completely. She'd been hugged after Derek died- by family and friends- but she was already closed off. She endured their hugs and their sympathy while slowly she spiraled deeper and deeper. Now Addie was here, and she realized she was finally letting herself be pulled out of the darkness by someone who cared. She was letting someone catch her. And so Amelia did something she hadn't allowed herself to do in a very long time: she cried. She cried so hard that she collapsed into Addison's arms and her entire body shook and every emotion that she hadn't let herself feel over since Derek had died came rushing out. It was a flood of emotions and horror and pain and paralyzing terror, and she wondered for a brief moment if this would have happened had she just given Owen the pills that fateful night. If she hadn't kept running, maybe she wouldn't have had so far to fall.

"Amelia. You have to go. You have to get help." Addison whispered as she stroked Amelia's hair. Amelia curled into Addison as if she were a young child, needing nothing more than to be held by her mother. She was surprisingly unaware of all the people in the room at this moment. Colleagues who no doubt were staring at her as she bared her soul in the most raw and emotional way she knew how. All she needed was for Addison to tell her it was gonna be okay.

"I know, Addie." she whimpered, her face buried in Addison's neck. "I know." She looked up and bit her lip nervously. "Can you do me a favor?"

Addison rubbed Amelia's back soothingly. "Anything."

"Can- can you call Charlotte for me? I want to talk to her before... before I go."

"I can do ya one better." The blonde burst through the door, clearly out of breath. She turned to Addison. "I came as quick as I could. That damn taxi was in so much traffic I was ready to get out and run here myself." Charlotte knelt down and held Amelia's hand between her's, squeezing gently. "Did ya really think I would let ya do this without me? Absolutely not."

Amelia squeezed back, feeling genuinely content for the first time in a long time. She had people who loved her in a time when she thought she'd lost the only person who had. She wasn't alone anymore, and she wasn't spiraling. For once, she could see the light at the end of the tunnel. She had a family, and it felt like the day Derek had given her that unicorn so many years ago.

That much love: it was more than happiness.

It felt like magic.


End file.
